One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
