this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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