i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
