LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
