dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
