When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
