some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
