I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sext me about skeletons
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
