just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
