Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
