And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
