Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
