I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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