I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize