Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
