I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
