My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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