I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
