He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
