I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
