So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
