Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I will be naked everywhere
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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