i love accidental penises.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
