she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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