new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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