Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize