Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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