he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
