Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize