I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
