Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
