I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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