Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
