And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
