i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
