Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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