Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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