my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
