You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
