Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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