sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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