it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
