SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
