New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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