And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Randomize
