bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
