just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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