I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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