That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
