i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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